did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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