I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
