he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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