My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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