I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize