I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
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I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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