Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
