Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
