I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think I won the penis lottery.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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