i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
