just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I see more hoeing in ur future
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