there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
