There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
