This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
