wanna go halves on a baby?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
