whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
