dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
