laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
