Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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