my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
