I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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