I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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