i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
