Redeem this text for a blowjob
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
