she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
