Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She even gives head with a lisp.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
