I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
