in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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