what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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