I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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