If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
