You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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