Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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