How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
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We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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