I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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