I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
