I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
