Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
