Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize