You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
