there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
