The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
