Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
