I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
