I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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