your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
