Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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