So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
