I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
