You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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