I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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