You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
