Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
