i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
