I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
