No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
